Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wrong Move
On one side I wanted the appreciation and recognition but on the other side, I don't want to lose everything. I had been battling with my inner self for so many times that I felt tired. I let it out because I wanted to change things. But instead, I don't know whether I had made the right choice because I now seemed to be on the 'guilty' side. I don't know what to do. I'm pissed as well as I'm afraid. I don't know how to handle anymore. If I don't let it out, I'll suffer inside. But when I did it, situation changed for the worst. What should I do? I just want to change things a little. I didn't ask much because I know, I will not get lots. But somehow, now just prove that the way it was before suits best. I figured by 'exposing' how hurt I am will make things better but instead....it didn't work. I wasn't healing my pain, I'm just adding on. I give up. I give up on hoping and I give up on changing. I give up completely. I'm tired. And I'm sorry....
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20 comments:
I've been reading your blog regularly since I first bumped into it some time ago. I seriously think you should take to someone. Not a friend but someone who can actually help you. As I checked through WWW, being in Malaysia, you can actually call BeFreinders. They are nice peole who would actually listen to to every single thing you want to say and help you be gain confidence. You really should try this.
Call them - 03 7956 8144/5
Thanks anonymous for concerning abt me. But really, I'm not in tat bad shape till I need someone to help boost my confidence and self esteem. Don't think I am in denial about my situation bcoz blieve me...if you could see me rite now in person, you will perceive me differently bcoz i'm perfectly fine. Juz there're some loose ends that need to be tighten. that's all. Not to worry, suicide or hurting myself NEVER occur in my head before. I am a strong person. Always have. Those who noes me understand me that once awhile I will have this 'period' of time. But i'll pick up and get on rolling. Blogging here is actually a way for me to let it out. Is a way for me to feel much more relieved. In truth, i get on my life just like everyone are doing. Only thing, sad period of times happens occasionally. that's all...But seriously, thanks anony for ur concern. Really appreciate it! cheers!
You are lying. To yourself. Even I will never see you, I know you are lying. You just don't want to get people's help. You just don't want to improve. You just don't want to accept the fact but then - you just keep on thinking how bad your life is, how bad Lady Luck been treating you and how worst more can your life be. Wake up.
Fuyoh... garang nyer orang ini. :X Eh, what's going on here? =.=
So she's not entitled in letting her feelings out now?
She can let her feelings out but that is just not it. It cannot stop just there. Sorry to say but I guess you people are too young to understand what life really is. It is a cruel world out there and only the one that believe in themself, the one that is strong will survive. If you want to be successful, you can't have this kind of thinking, let it out and do nothing about it.
anonymous, i really appreciate ur concern at the 1st time..but accusing me lying is seriously not fair for u to put bcoz i'm telling the truth n noting else. i definitely not lying to myself. u dunno me well to just judge me base on my negative entries. For ur information, i do not have troubled mind that need to seek help.
Yes, i admit i moan lots on abt life being sux n all but tat does not make me give up life. C'mon! I dare to admit to u, i am a fighter. Always have and always will. u urself said is a cruel world out there. u tink i dunno abt tat? it is the survival of the fittest n u want to tell me i wont b able to survive in tis world? then u r wrong to assume tat. I am strong as I said before. has been and still am.
u said i don't accept facts? i accept what i am lacking of and blieve me, i pursue wat i can achieved. im alwiz moving fwd regardless of how u see me now. probably u perceived me as someone who are weak in mind n spirit but u definitely perceived me wrongly if u tink like tat bcoz in person, i am more than that.
let me share with you abit on my life. people always come to me with their problems bcoz they noe they can trust me and also noe tat i will give them justified reasons and suggestions. they trust i am able to tink maturedly according to situations. i am not putting myself high but tat are the facts. so do u tink a person who r so weak be able to lend an ear to their frens? it shud be the other way round, isnt it?
u asking me to wake up. all along i am awake. i am awake to see wat i am lacking of. i am awake to see wat i cant achieve and i am awake to see the flaws in me. i am awake to see all that. n from there, i moved up to achieve wat im lacking of, to get wat i couldn't get and to strife in life.
if i am a troubled person, i shud be indulging in drugs, alcohol n smoking. but guess wat, i dun do all those. i neva tot of hurting myself at all even. not even once!
I'm a moaner. I admit to that. blogging is the place for me to moan all about the unfairness and unjustified things that had happen to me. I may sound so negative in my entries but tats the state i am in when i am writing all that. after letting out all of that, i feel better..is better than i bottled all up in me and not letting go. but after all the letting go, i dun continue to be depress and emotional, i'll be back to the person i am all along. a person who r most of the time positive and happy go lucky. i said before, if u noe me in person,u will tink differently.
so, anonymous, dun judge the book just by its cover. ur concern is really appreciateable however, to keep accusing me is sumting u r not doing it right. probably u urself been thru a hard time to learn the hard way tat life is cruel. but to put tat kind of remark on me is simply not right bcoz i also had my tough times but tat does not make me hate life. I'm still carrying on living bcoz i want to find the life tat i am dreaming of. i have dreams, u noe, anonymous. so i wont just give up life like just a piece of shit. furthermore i have a mother who loves me lots and i love her the same. for me to disappoint her n make her despair is sumting i want the very least. she tot me to be strong and to be independent. i am wat she tot me to be. i can stand on my own two feet and i will get my success in the time to come.
so anonymous, probably u tink we young people do not know life. but let me tell u one ting..we young people do noe how to put aims in life to go fwd rather than going bckwards. we people are certainly not weak. if u r tinking the people here r weak, than i guess u got the wrong blog. bcoz though i said life is sux n everyting, i still HAVE NOT give up on life. I am fighting my way out to be a much better person. so don't think i just put a full stop on life rite now. bcoz seriously..I AM NOT!
once again, thanks for ur concern. I hope u will change ur perception of me. i'll always welcome u in reading my blog. really appreciate tat. but please, don't tink tat i am a troubled or sick person tat needs professionals' help bcoz blieve me, the professionals themselves will tell u tat i am perfectly alright. cheers!
LiLi:nothing going on. Just tat this anonymous dun blieve tat i am not a troubled person. he/she is tinking tat i am a person who needs help. probably u can share ur tots on me to tis anonymous?
Supporter: thanx supporter. u noe me la! lolz..
Anonymous: If everyone is to let their feelings out like this, they are lying? Then those that keep everything inside is what? Playing truant?
Letting feeling out cannot stop it just there? It seemed to me you are the one that is not taking things easy.
We young people know more things than you old people (assuming you are since you say we young people) know sometimes. You people just think we don't see the world as it is.
Everyone have their choice of ways to live their life - either see the world as it is or make it a better place thru living happily with our way. Positive way.
You don't know her personally, you cannot judge her and more so, have no right to say she is lying.
We understand what life is about. She may have doubts about her life but that doesn't mean she won't survive outside. With the support of family and friends she will. That is what family and friends are for. Don't you have them?
In addition, she know and realise that she have doubts 'bout her life and self. Better than those who choose to live in denial, which Nia is certainly not.
Then if this is what it is now, I would wish you many lucks in life. And I will still hope to read your blogs in 5 years time to see whether you can prove to yourself what you'd said in here. Prove to yourself and I will believe I am wrong this time. I never judge people wrongly even I never meet them before. I am practising psychology and all I want to do is to help young people to think differently and achieve their wildest dreams. Since you have too many supporters here that also think I am wrong, then I would pull back my advice, my thought on you and my sincere help.
By the way, you'd perceived people wrongly too. Smokers and drinkers are not all troubled people. They are just addicted. They too have kindess. So, don't judge a book by its cover. For I would say, not every smokers and drinkers are bad and neither people who didn't smoke and drink are good. You are being unrealistic at this point.
Lots of people too free is it these days... especially those of you who study that stream -_-"
You make it sound you are so great, as if you are realistic and live correctly and not others.
Mind your own life first la.
Know what, I pity those who only knows how to live in a realitic world. Wanna know why? Guess what, I'm not bother to say also. You have your own thinking that you think it is right anyway.
Whatever la, anonymous.
Sorry for numbering you since I'm also an anony by default so that makes me anony #2.
To Anony #1,
You have just lost your right to advice when you start calling her a liar.
Anyway, I think it's absurd to judge individuals from a blog.
Oh wait, I'm young too so my opinions do not carry any weight ya?
I rest my case.
Anonymous, I beg to differ..I did not perceive smokers or drinkers negatively. I am definitely not being unrealistic either. I never say they are bad. However, a person with troubled mind are definitely one of the reasons for making a person be a smoker or a drinker. They smoke bcoz to them smoking can help to release their stress and they drink bcoz they feel by drinking, they can drown out their sorrows. Is true, as they start to indulge more into these drinking and smoking, they eventually got addicted. However, what got them started is bcoz they are having troubles on their own. So, I did not perceive wrongly because tat are the facts.
And as a person who are studying pychology, u shud noe that there are many more factors that can make a person be a smoker or a drinker. Like peer pressure or for the sake of trying. I have friends who drinks and smokes. I do not see them as someone bad. So, don't put like I am labelling them as someone who r so negative bcoz I did not even look at tat direction.
I will not comment much on how you are looking at me right now bcoz i blieve my frens here had said enough to prove tat i am wat i said i am all along. They know me well to put the judgements on me. However, to say tat u neva judge ppl wrongly, i hope u beware of tat bcoz blieve me..one day u will judge ppl wrongly simply bcoz u do not want to see tings the way ppl r but instead to see tings the way u perceive as.
ur help and advice are well appreciated at the 1st time...however, as u kept 'pushing' me to see ur kind of facts, im sorry to say tat u r going too far on ur advice and help. However, i shall thank u once again for ur concern. I do not need to prove to u neither to myself of wat i am saying here bcoz watever i am saying is and will be the truth. I noe and aware of wat i am doing. the guidance i need is not frm a person but frm my strong will and faith tat i can do it and i can cross any boundaries. So, here i wud like to say..keep reading whenever u want bcoz i will not stop blogging abt wat i feel whether i am sad or happy with life.
Oh, one more thing, as the comments getting more and more, I felt they're getting more amusing. I can't blieve someone cud put such an image in me. An image tat is so far out of anyone's mind to put on me. However, it certainly entertains me. Thanks for tat! cheers!
Supporter & Ping: Thanks guys for supporting and defending me! U guys best la! lols..*hugs*
Anony the second: whoever u r, thanks for the support too! bless u! =D
Probably Anony 1 knows who you are and that's why he/she said things like that. A real stranger won't be so stupid to say something like that to someone he/she doesn't know. I can feel that Anony 1 knows you in real life.
Tiger: I seriously and totally doubt it he/she noes me in real life. If he/she really do noe me...he/she wont be coming up with such comments...So, according to UR comment, looks like tis person is stupid after all..Watever it is..i dun care anymore. Watever anony 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or millions come n comment in my blog..I wont bother them unless I feel their comments are contructive and rationale plus logical. Other than that..i totally wont entertain at all. I'll just shrugged it off..enuff said!
From what I've just read, everyone is entitled to their own opinions & rights to speak of what they think of a certain matter. So no worries to all ok?
And really, no one is stupid. It's all depends on how you read the meanings written here. I believe this unknown person is just giving his 2 cents thought.
Take care niania... :)
take everyting wif a pinch of salt, i guess..topic of discussion ends here.. thanks everyone for the comments..i wish all of u well...cheers!
LiLi: take care lili too!
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